She said how it’s often easier for people to see the disorder as something that lives within you and often takes over you, but it is important to remember it isn’t the whole of you.
There is a ‘healthy you’ there too.
Beelzebub is not the whole me.
He is a huge darkness that lives inside me and takes control of me, but he does not define my entire being.
Everything she says about this makes sense to me logically, and with my academic knowledge on therapies I can totally see how this works for people.
But there is something so different when it’s about me. I can see easily how it could help Tom, Dick and Harry but can it help me? I have doubts.
Part of the aim of the therapy is to increase the presence and power of the ‘healthy me’ and therefore lessen the presence and power of Beelzebub.
I don’t know if this is even possible.
I have to put faith in her skills and knowledge and trust that she can help me change the way I am and tackle the disorder.
She told me that the therapy does not aim to make me think I can never restrict my diet again; I will always have that ability, my body will always be able to cope the way it’s coped for the recent years and I’ll always have the mental power to do that. The aim of the therapy is to show me that I can carry on and do things with Beelzebub in charge, or I can try a different way, a healthier way.
I have to put faith in her being able to show me that there is a way for Beelzebub to not be in charge.
Even as I write this he’s laughing at me. Laughing because he knows the control he has.
This is a demon that will live inside me for the rest of my life, there is no killing an eating disorder. You can only hope to manage it.
