Letters to my eating disorder

My therapist asked me to write two letters to my eating disorder. One letter addressing the disorder as my friend, the other addressing it as my enemy.

I don’t really know what I expected myself to write, but reading them I was quite taken aback. I don’t think I realised what the ‘friend’ letter would be like, well really I had no idea what either letter would consist of. I tried to write them at times where I felt 'ok', so I wasn't biased towards the disorder being more of a friend, or more of an enemy. 

I think the comparison of these letters is probably one of the best ways to explain what having an eating disorder is like, to somebody who knows nothing about them. The two sides, contrasting feelings that tear the sufferer down the middle.

Dear ED, my friend,

I do not really remember my life before you. I do vaguely, but it doesn’t seem real to think that there was a time you were not a part of me. It would be a lie to say that everything you’ve done for me has been pleasant, but through the worst times you have been there to offer me control and to give words of encouragement. Through the hundreds of sleepless nights, the daily physical struggles of crippling stomach pains, the loss of energy and muscle mass, and through the worst times where my hair has fallen out and my bodily systems have been taken far out of my control, you have been there. You have encouraged me that these struggles are worth it. You have always been there to remind me that these struggles will lead to the ultimate goal: to be thin, as thin as possible.

I named you Beelzebub, after Binsfeld’s classification of demons, named the seven princes of Hell.  This name suits you because you are powerful and, like Beelzebub, you make mere mortals worship you. Beelzebub is also one of the seven deadly sins, it is gluttony; which felt very fitting.

You have made me feel powerful, so powerful; by showing me I am not weak. You taught me how to have the will power to starve myself for days on end if I want to, or how to live on a single piece of fruit a day. If I have that power, then nobody can call me weak. I am more powerful than other people, because you taught me I do not need to eat like they do. I have no need for three meals a day.

I was raised as a Christian and have always believed in God, so for me to insinuate that you are God-like would be wrong, but just as I know God cares for mankind, I know you care for me. It is hard to not liken you to a God. Your powerful is extraordinary. You can sustain me in a way that food cannot.

I have missed many social occasions because of you, but I know, although I miss my friends and family, you are showing me the way to my ultimate goal and sacrifices must be made. 

Through our relationship, I have become less emotional and I often feel numb or empty. But I am never empty because I have you. Some people may think the deadening of my emotions is a negative thing, but they’re wrong. Thanks to you I realise that most day to day things are meaningless. I know that achieving our goal will be a constant fight, so I do not need to waste my emotions on irrelevant issues.

It could be argued that you, Beelzebub, have taken my life away from me. I’m sure many people would view it that way. Actually, you have given me more control over my life than anything else ever has. You are my greatest and most faithful companion.

With love,

Your Catharine. X

Dear ED, my enemy,

It’s hard for me to remember what my life was like before you were here. It feels an extremely long time ago. I suppose that’s because it is a long time ago. It has been over seven years since I first met you, and being twenty five that is a considerable chunk of my life. I can vaguely remember what it was like to go out with friends or family, to go out for meals and not feel sheer panic, physical sickness, anxiety and absolute dread. All I have are distant memories of my life before I met you.

I wish I had never met you. Since you, my life has fallen apart bit by bit. I have lost friendships and a relationship because you turned me into a shell of who I was. You made me into an anxious, terrified, pathetic mess whose life revolves completely around you. You have rendered me incapable of socialising properly, made me believe I am unworthy of friends, unworthy of anything nice.

You have complete power and control over me; you have ensured that the only thing I truly long for is the ultimate goal of being as thin as possible. Sometimes I feel very small parts of who I used to be coming through, trying to fight their way in. In these moments I’m more likely to eat something, I’m more likely to have energy and motivation, but these moments last such a short time. You stamp the old parts of me down, until they shrink into nothingness again.

I can never escape from you, you’re there when I go to sleep and there when I wake up. You’re everywhere I go because you have made a home inside my soul.

But my soul was not yours to take.

I lied earlier, there is another thing I truly long for and that is to be rid of you.

Regretfully yours,

Catharine.