Motivation

Some days motivation is so hard to find. So much that at times it feels completely invisible. Other days, thankfully, it's a little easier.
I've been thinking over the past week or so about my life, my current situation, and what I really want to achieve.
A year ago I was in my second year of studying to be a psychiatric nurse, then a few months in I had to take a year out for my mental health. I needed time to put my wellbeing first and to heal.
To start off with, when I first took time out, I just had it in my mind that I would return in May 2018 to complete the rest of the degree. As time went on, I realised I really had no desire to be a nurse. I wasn't sure if this was because I had taken time out, or if I was realising I had never really put my heart into nursing.
For a long time I just ignored it. I didn't think about what I would do when Easter came around, it was too scary not knowing which direction to go in or what my career path would be.
Recently, however, I have thought about it and it hasn't been as scary as I thought it might be. I think the fact it isn't scary shows me I have made the right choice.
I decided that being a nurse isn't what I want. I have already lived the life of a nurse through the placement training and I think healthcare providers make healthcare professionals sacrifice parts of their life that I'm not willing to give up, which is very often their mental wellbeing.
I have spent time thinking about what motivates me, what makes me want to recover fully.
I know I'm on the right path but what are the true goals I hope for at the end?
For me it's easy, it's always been to be a mother.
The days when I feel so low I don't know I can make it out of bed, I think to myself 'if you don't get better you'll never be able to have a baby', and really that's true.
In order for us to achieve the goals we truly want, we have to be healthy and happy within ourselves.
I start my new job in two weeks and that is also motivation, as I know if I don't eat I won't have energy to go to work, so I won't be able to build a career or save for a house deposit, or any of the things I want in life.
If you are struggling - find the thing you want the most in the world, and use that as motivation.
It isn't always straight forward.
At one point the thing I wanted the most in the entire world was to be as thin as possible. I could honestly say I would have given anything for that.
I'm sure many ED sufferers can relate to that thinking.
But as time goes on, your body and mind heal, you leave those dark areas of thoughts.
Now my greatest hopes and wishes aren't so bleak.
They aren't based around a disorder.
If you have dreams that surpass your disorder, does it mean you're recovered?
No - but it means you're doing a damn good job at getting there.