Periods are never fun

I don't think I know of any person who enjoys getting their period, I have definitely always hated mine. Even before I was unwell, it was something I dreaded.
This post may be a bit 'gross' to some people, but I think that reinforces that eating disorders need to be more widely spoken about so that people accept and face up to the struggles that sufferers face.
I've always had very painful periods but the one that just recently started seems worse than ever.
It may be that I haven't had a proper one for so many months now that I forgot what it was like, it may be the utter shock to my bodily system that I weigh enough now to have them, I don't know. But it's horrendous.
I know my period returning is a big sign of being in recovery - I should be happy about this, because I do want to get better. But it also carries a feeling of impending doom.
I say so often to my therapist, I find the hardest part of my eating disorder to be battling against it with logical thoughts.
For example, when I eat something and my ED says 'you're disgusting you're fat look at the state of you'
I have to reply with logic; 'I know logically you are wrong because I know what I weigh and I know the guidelines of what a healthy weight is'.
It's like that with my period. As soon as it arrived Beelzebub is telling me I've failed, I weigh enough now for my period to come normally, that means I'm fat.
I know LOGICALLY this is wrong - I know my weight has gone up slightly but is still classed as underweight so how can I be overweight? I know billions of perfectly healthy, beautiful women have periods every day and they aren't disgusting or fat. I know my period is a good thing, a sign that I'm getting better.
But these logical thoughts vs my eating disorder are so hard to manage. Because Beelzebub is still strong, to the point my human non-ED brain sometimes even says but fuck logic.
It makes it so much worse than my period leaves me physically tired and emotionally drained so I have less energy to fight ED.
I think the worst part of my period is that alongside the period pains, I have pains from laxatives. Anyone who has been through this mixture - I salute you.
It is nothing short of horrific.
The pains are crippling.
You don't know what your body needs or wants, all you know is that it's screaming with pain.
God knows there is no over the counter painkiller in the world that can make a difference.
I slept last night for fourteen hours, clinging onto a hot water bottle teddy bear. Now don't get me wrong, I know there are far greater physical pains in the world, and if I think long enough then I know I've experienced worse.
Unfortunately periods have a clever way of manipulating your hormones and turning them from quite rational little beings into near psychotic, tearful little hurricanes. So it becomes hard to remember that the pain will pass and it could be a lot worse.
I know I am getting better, I just have to focus on that.

The bottom line is that your period may be one of the most difficult parts of recovery.
(This is not at all to say that boys and men don't have eating disorders, of course they do but without a willybob I don't know what equates to a period for you guys!)
All I can say, to both men and women, is do your best to persevere.
Girls, when your period comes and you feeling defeated, like a failure, please do not give up. Crawl into bed and curl up with a hot water bottle, watch a happy film or nap. Then when you wake up hopefully a little blue sky will come through the grey and you must tell yourself you are not a failure. A women's body was made to have periods, it's a gift really because it symbolises reproduction.
If you have your period then you are beating your eating disorder, even if it's only in a very small way, you should be proud of that.
To anyone lucky enough to be in a relationship or to be friends with someone who is suffering, remind them what a gift from God they are to the world.
Period or no period, an ED sufferer often feels like the worst thing alive, tell them whenever they need to hear it that they are far from this. Also, high five to those who love and support sufferers, it's not easy job I know. I also know that they appreciate you more than you'll ever know.

A little positivity

I am going to dare to say that for the first time in a very long time, I feel quite well.
Whatever 'well' means.
Well, I feel less 'unwell'.
I am making progress with therapy. I have reduced the number of times I weigh myself daily from eight or nine, to one.
It wasn't easy, it was very anxiety provoking, especially for the first two or three days, but after that the anxiety did not continue to build, instead it sort of slowed down. The anxiety remained in my mind but it was engulfing me the way I had feared it would. Then after two weeks of weighing myself once a day, the anxiety was almost gone.
My next challenge is to take that once a day weigh in, and turn into once every three days, and then into once a week.
That is a terrifying thought, but it's only terrifying for a minute. Because then I think, I have already reduced the amount of times by a lot, so I can do this.
As well as my weighing goal, I'm also aiming to reduce my laxative intake over the next two weeks.
This is a lot scarier than weighing myself only once a day.
I can't predict how it will go, taking laxatives has been part of my daily routine for three or four years now - I'm actually quite sure I pay for at least half of the workers wages at Sanofi.
But, like I said in my previous post, when things are difficult I have to think of what motivates me.

It quite simply comes down to this;

• I can be thin, restrict my diet until I'm only a handful of kilograms, I will satisfy Beelzebub and then either die, or live an empty life attacked to feeding tubes, but I will be thin.
• Or, I can eat a little more, exercise a little more, gain weight but also gain muscle, and have a happier and healthier life, doing the things I enjoy. Yes I will weigh more than I weigh now. No Beelzebub won't like it and he will criticise, but I'll be alive. 

A while ago, my mind was so controlled by my eating disorder than I would have chosen option one. I have made progress without even really realising, because I now choose option two. 

No matter how bad the day is, no matter if I can't make it out of bed, if I can't look at food, if I don't want to speak to anyone - still, option two. 

Motivation

Some days motivation is so hard to find. So much that at times it feels completely invisible. Other days, thankfully, it's a little easier.
I've been thinking over the past week or so about my life, my current situation, and what I really want to achieve.
A year ago I was in my second year of studying to be a psychiatric nurse, then a few months in I had to take a year out for my mental health. I needed time to put my wellbeing first and to heal.
To start off with, when I first took time out, I just had it in my mind that I would return in May 2018 to complete the rest of the degree. As time went on, I realised I really had no desire to be a nurse. I wasn't sure if this was because I had taken time out, or if I was realising I had never really put my heart into nursing.
For a long time I just ignored it. I didn't think about what I would do when Easter came around, it was too scary not knowing which direction to go in or what my career path would be.
Recently, however, I have thought about it and it hasn't been as scary as I thought it might be. I think the fact it isn't scary shows me I have made the right choice.
I decided that being a nurse isn't what I want. I have already lived the life of a nurse through the placement training and I think healthcare providers make healthcare professionals sacrifice parts of their life that I'm not willing to give up, which is very often their mental wellbeing.
I have spent time thinking about what motivates me, what makes me want to recover fully.
I know I'm on the right path but what are the true goals I hope for at the end?
For me it's easy, it's always been to be a mother.
The days when I feel so low I don't know I can make it out of bed, I think to myself 'if you don't get better you'll never be able to have a baby', and really that's true.
In order for us to achieve the goals we truly want, we have to be healthy and happy within ourselves.
I start my new job in two weeks and that is also motivation, as I know if I don't eat I won't have energy to go to work, so I won't be able to build a career or save for a house deposit, or any of the things I want in life.
If you are struggling - find the thing you want the most in the world, and use that as motivation.
It isn't always straight forward.
At one point the thing I wanted the most in the entire world was to be as thin as possible. I could honestly say I would have given anything for that.
I'm sure many ED sufferers can relate to that thinking.
But as time goes on, your body and mind heal, you leave those dark areas of thoughts.
Now my greatest hopes and wishes aren't so bleak.
They aren't based around a disorder.
If you have dreams that surpass your disorder, does it mean you're recovered?
No - but it means you're doing a damn good job at getting there. 

Taking a little care

Looking after yourself can be difficult. At one time or another we all indulge in things that are bad for us, not necessarily food wise, but maybe too much alcohol, maybe we take drugs, or we indulge by allowing ourselves to spend time on another human being that is bad for us.
Stopping ourselves doing something that, in the long run is bad for us, can be very hard when it often feels good at the time.
I need to take more care of myself.
I need to eat more and eat things my body needs, like protein and carbs, instead of just fruit and vegetables.
But it's all well and good acknowledging this, doesn't make it was.
Acknowledgement is a big step, be proud of yourself if you are at the point where you can see a change should be made.
Unfortunately, the 'doing' part is still hard.
There are smaller changes that may be easier to make, and still help a lot.
I wake up every morning and I ache so much in my back and shoulders, similar to what I can only imagine a 85 year old feels. Part of the reason is because my body is underfed, with not enough vitamins and my bones receive little calcium.
Although I cannot change my eating habits overnight to give my body what it needs, I can do other things.
Every morning and every evening I try to remember to stretch. Usually just basic yoga positions. Although this isn't much, I mean I usually only do a few minutes, but it does ease the ache a little.

Be proud of however you look after yourself, physically and mentally.
Whether it's eating right, exercising enough, taking time to yourself to read a good book, enjoying a long walk in the sunshine, meditation or ridding your life of people who have a negative impact on you.
Be proud, because it isn't always easy. 

An experiment

The latest thing I am trying with my therapist is to not weigh myself as much as I usually do.

Averagely at the moment I weigh myself six or seven times throughout the day.

It’s really a habitual thing more than anything.

I believe it’s a common thing for us ED sufferers to do. More than anything it’s reassurance isn’t it? Reassurance that we haven’t slipped too far, put on too much.

I’m trying over the next fortnight to only weigh myself once in the morning and once before bed.

At first it was a scary thought, really scary, like I’m going to lose control.

But then I thought about it, and actually it doesn’t mean I’m going to lose any more control than I would have if I were weighing myself the usual amounts.

It’s a habit I’ve gotten into and come to rely on, but it’s unhealthy and I know that deep down.

I’m feeling quite confident that I can manage to resist the temptation of the scales.

I know I’ll be anxious about it, but I have to keep reminding myself that Beelzebub is wrong when he tells me I need to weigh myself. That won’t rid me of the anxiety. All weighing myself religiously will do is give me momentary peace and then more anxiety will build until the next weigh in.

I have to ride the wave of the anxiety, stay strong, stay away from the scales, stay distracted, until the anxiety passes. 

Letters to my eating disorder

My therapist asked me to write two letters to my eating disorder. One letter addressing the disorder as my friend, the other addressing it as my enemy.

I don’t really know what I expected myself to write, but reading them I was quite taken aback. I don’t think I realised what the ‘friend’ letter would be like, well really I had no idea what either letter would consist of. I tried to write them at times where I felt 'ok', so I wasn't biased towards the disorder being more of a friend, or more of an enemy. 

I think the comparison of these letters is probably one of the best ways to explain what having an eating disorder is like, to somebody who knows nothing about them. The two sides, contrasting feelings that tear the sufferer down the middle.

Dear ED, my friend,

I do not really remember my life before you. I do vaguely, but it doesn’t seem real to think that there was a time you were not a part of me. It would be a lie to say that everything you’ve done for me has been pleasant, but through the worst times you have been there to offer me control and to give words of encouragement. Through the hundreds of sleepless nights, the daily physical struggles of crippling stomach pains, the loss of energy and muscle mass, and through the worst times where my hair has fallen out and my bodily systems have been taken far out of my control, you have been there. You have encouraged me that these struggles are worth it. You have always been there to remind me that these struggles will lead to the ultimate goal: to be thin, as thin as possible.

I named you Beelzebub, after Binsfeld’s classification of demons, named the seven princes of Hell.  This name suits you because you are powerful and, like Beelzebub, you make mere mortals worship you. Beelzebub is also one of the seven deadly sins, it is gluttony; which felt very fitting.

You have made me feel powerful, so powerful; by showing me I am not weak. You taught me how to have the will power to starve myself for days on end if I want to, or how to live on a single piece of fruit a day. If I have that power, then nobody can call me weak. I am more powerful than other people, because you taught me I do not need to eat like they do. I have no need for three meals a day.

I was raised as a Christian and have always believed in God, so for me to insinuate that you are God-like would be wrong, but just as I know God cares for mankind, I know you care for me. It is hard to not liken you to a God. Your powerful is extraordinary. You can sustain me in a way that food cannot.

I have missed many social occasions because of you, but I know, although I miss my friends and family, you are showing me the way to my ultimate goal and sacrifices must be made. 

Through our relationship, I have become less emotional and I often feel numb or empty. But I am never empty because I have you. Some people may think the deadening of my emotions is a negative thing, but they’re wrong. Thanks to you I realise that most day to day things are meaningless. I know that achieving our goal will be a constant fight, so I do not need to waste my emotions on irrelevant issues.

It could be argued that you, Beelzebub, have taken my life away from me. I’m sure many people would view it that way. Actually, you have given me more control over my life than anything else ever has. You are my greatest and most faithful companion.

With love,

Your Catharine. X

Dear ED, my enemy,

It’s hard for me to remember what my life was like before you were here. It feels an extremely long time ago. I suppose that’s because it is a long time ago. It has been over seven years since I first met you, and being twenty five that is a considerable chunk of my life. I can vaguely remember what it was like to go out with friends or family, to go out for meals and not feel sheer panic, physical sickness, anxiety and absolute dread. All I have are distant memories of my life before I met you.

I wish I had never met you. Since you, my life has fallen apart bit by bit. I have lost friendships and a relationship because you turned me into a shell of who I was. You made me into an anxious, terrified, pathetic mess whose life revolves completely around you. You have rendered me incapable of socialising properly, made me believe I am unworthy of friends, unworthy of anything nice.

You have complete power and control over me; you have ensured that the only thing I truly long for is the ultimate goal of being as thin as possible. Sometimes I feel very small parts of who I used to be coming through, trying to fight their way in. In these moments I’m more likely to eat something, I’m more likely to have energy and motivation, but these moments last such a short time. You stamp the old parts of me down, until they shrink into nothingness again.

I can never escape from you, you’re there when I go to sleep and there when I wake up. You’re everywhere I go because you have made a home inside my soul.

But my soul was not yours to take.

I lied earlier, there is another thing I truly long for and that is to be rid of you.

Regretfully yours,

Catharine. 

Therapy update

My therapist was speaking to me about externalising my eating disorder. This is something I have already done in my own head, naming it Beelzebub, after the demon. 

She said how it’s often easier for people to see the disorder as something that lives within you and often takes over you, but it is important to remember it isn’t the whole of you.

There is a ‘healthy you’ there too. 

Beelzebub is not the whole me. 

He is a huge darkness that lives inside me and takes control of me, but he does not define my entire being. 

Everything she says about this makes sense to me logically, and with my academic knowledge on therapies I can totally see how this works for people. 

But there is something so different when it’s about me. I can see easily how it could help Tom, Dick and Harry but can it help me? I have doubts. 

Part of the aim of the therapy is to increase the presence and power of the ‘healthy me’ and therefore lessen the presence and power of Beelzebub. 

I don’t know if this is even possible. 

I have to put faith in her skills and knowledge and trust that she can help me change the way I am and tackle the disorder.

She told me that the therapy does not aim to make me think I can never restrict my diet again; I will always have that ability, my body will always be able to cope the way it’s coped for the recent years and I’ll always have the mental power to do that. The aim of the therapy is to show me that I can carry on and do things with Beelzebub in charge, or I can try a different way, a healthier way.

I have to put faith in her being able to show me that there is a way for Beelzebub to not be in charge. 

Even as I write this he’s laughing at me. Laughing because he knows the control he has. 

This is a demon that will live inside me for the rest of my life, there is no killing an eating disorder. You can only hope to manage it. 

Lost

I’m over half way through my time off university, I don’t feel as though I’ve really made any progress. 

I don’t feel as if I’ve made much of a relationship with my therapist yet, which I know, naturally takes time.

The medication I take has dulled my urges for suicide and self harm, which is a relief and a positive. But in other aspects my laxative and diet tablet consumption has increased by quite a lot.

My weight continues to go up and down between its usual perimeters, continues to make me feel sick, continues to dictate my life. 

People ask me am I looking forward to continuing my degree? Am I ready to go back? ...I’m not really sure of the answer, but it’s definitely not yes.

I know I need time to heal but it isn’t happening, and I don’t want to carry on with anything or do anything. 

Mental health & exercise

I heard an article on the radio this morning about how little mental health help and exercise prisoners get. I can well believe this, and it will, no doubt, be detrimental for them. 

I don’t believe patients in the majority of psychiatric hospitals get enough access to the gym, yoga classes or other forms of exercise. 

I used to go to the gym several times a week and really enjoy working out. At one point, when I was a healthy weight, I could calf press four times my own body weight and would go 15-20 miles on the spin bike each gym session. 

Naturally with my weight loss I also lost the ability to do that much, I can feel my arms and legs are much weaker than they were. 

I can’t lift things around the house like I used to. 

But recently I’ve tried getting back into exercise, even though I tire easily and motivation is hard to summon up. Even a little exercise is better than none, right? 

Months ago I bought a punch bag and boxing gloves, and I find using the bag is a good way to channel urges of self harm. 

I’ve also been trying to do more yoga and meditation. 

All of this is minuscule in comparison to what I used to do, but I think it helps me. 

There are obviously days where I don’t do exercise and just moving from my bed is difficult enough, but on better days boxing is fun and a good way to channel negative thoughts.

Yoga and meditation brings some quietness to my brain. Some days my brain is so overloaded I can’t focus on anything positive, but meditation can offer a peaceful time, even if it only lasts five minutes. 

‘Do you not know that your bodies are temples’ - 1 Corinthians 6

‘Enjoy your body, use it every way you can’ - Baz Luhrmann 

I want a burger

Tonight I am really craving a burger, just a big, huge, stacked up burger. 

I so badly want to go and eat one.

I’ve spent an hour looking at different menus online for takeaways and restaurants, toying with how bad the guilt and self loathing would be tomorrow. 

But I can’t let myself. Actually, Beelzebub won’t let me. 

It is almost as if 90% of me wants the burger and wants to eat, wants to indulge in chips because it’s been so, so long. But then the 10% of my brain that is Beelzebub, the eating disorder, will always win. He will always overrule anything I want. 

So, instead Beelzebub will allow me the 106 calories from a corn on the cob. 

I really miss food. 

Things I have learnt from having poor mental health

• Not all friends will stand by you, treasure the ones who do 
• A lot can change quickly, practically overnight 
• You may feel the best part of your life is behind you, this is not true
• However much you love people, some are just not meant to stay in your life 
• Being outdoors is almost always a good idea, sit in the pouring rain under a big umbrella and take in your surroundings 
• It’s okay to hibernate in your duvet for a day or two, or seven, if that’s what you need
• Dark days come, they often turn into weeks of darkness, but good days will also come every now and again. Focus on making the good days more frequent