Monday 17 September 2018

How do you keep faith whilst fighting mental illness?

How do you keep faith during mental illness? Perhaps this is the million dollar question. From things I have read and things I have experienced, I can only imagine that people both find faith and lose faith when coping with mental illness.
I was brought up a Christian, went to Brownies and church on a Sunday. It was a nice upbringing, I enjoyed learning about Bible stories. I have believed in God for as long as I can remember, it was just part of my mind set I guess.
I’m sure people of all religions have times in their lives when they question their faith in one way or another. I have only had two times in my life where I have really questioned my faith. The first time was when I realised I had feelings towards a girl, but I decided quite quickly that the God I knew loves people for who they are.
The other time of questioning has been over the last two years, when my eating disorder climaxed and took over my everyday life. I believe strongly that there is always someone who is worse off than you, and it is right to be grateful for what we have. I have been lucky in life in many ways and I have always thanked God for that. But there are times when I have to ask why.
It’s 2.30am and I’m lying on the bathroom floor, near crippled from the pain of the tablets I’ve been addicted to for the last five or six years. The voice of my eating disorder is prominent, taunting me for the fact I used to be thinner, I used to weigh less, I’ve let myself put on weight again. The tablets leave me completely dehydrated, I feel the need to wee and the pain in my bladder but nothing happens for hours and hours. There’s something tomorrow I’m meant to do, go to work or go out somewhere – but I know I won’t feel well enough. This is a time when I ask God why, why has this happened to me?
I never ask “why me?” because I’d simply never wish this on someone else instead of me. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. The physical pain and the mental desperation and self-destruction.
There are times when I say how can God be real? If God exists why does He allow this to happen?
I imagine most people with mental illness and faith must question this at one time or another. When you feel the lowest you’ve ever felt, depression grips you, you’re anxious about everything and suicidal thoughts creep into your mind – how can God be there and let this happen?
Is it a test of our strength? This would be the cruellest test.
How do you keep your faith whilst fighting mental illness?


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