An update

My life has been taken out of my control, out of my hands and this demon of an eating disorder mixed with depression is controlling me. 

Every time I feel as if I have taken a step forwards, this disorder pushes me three steps backwards. 

Recently, I wrote about seeing the doctor and starting treatment. I am still receiving treatment but my condition has worsened since I first went to the GP. The depression, along with feelings of self harm and suicide has mounted up on me and my eating habits are far from in my control.

I have had to take a year interrupt from my university course, to give myself the time to get better before I return to finish my third year. I'm completely gutted that this is what I have to do, although I see the positives of taking a year out.

My motivation, attention span and energy are all so lacking. 

I have a lot more time on my hands now I am having out of university, I find myself spending a lot of time sat in my garden thinking about what life will be when I beat this illness. 

I long to feel control over my life and over my body. I long for the day I can eat what I want, when I want, without feeling compelled to meticulously weigh myself and take tablets. I long for the depression to lessen, for the darkness, that feels so real and literal, to fade away. 

I hope this is the start of the right path. 

You do deserve help

As it is mental health awareness week, I thought I would do a post because I feel there is still so much awareness that needs to be raised. I fear that so many people live in shame or denial about their mental health and it shouldn't be that way, we have to strive for a society that is more understanding and accepting. 

I never wanted to go to the doctor about my eating problems, or the depression the eating problems brought with them. 

I felt that talking therapies weren't my thing and I didn't want medication. I thought I could fight through it alone, find my own coping mechanisms, and just manage somehow. For a long time this just about worked. 

I didn't feel as if I deserved help, I didn't think I was 'sick enough' because I've never been an inpatient, never been tube fed, I just didn't think I deserved any help. I felt like I exaggerated everything, I just did not feel like I deserved any help because I did not feel like I was truly unwell. I came to accept that this was how my life was always going to be.

However recently, after feeling worse and worse over the last few months, I decided maybe it was time to try speaking to my GP.

I didn't hold massively high hopes, I didn't know whether he would understand or how he would react, whether he'd take me seriously when I spoke about how dark and low I felt battling this.

However I was so, so pleasantly surprised. He was lovely and kind about it all, and I asked if I could have some medication to help me just take the edge of the mental pain I felt and he agreed this would be a very good idea. He also referred me onto other specialist eating disorder teams. This was something that lifted a huge weight off my shoulders because I finally felt like someone understood how I felt and after struggling for so long I am now hopeful that help is coming my way. 

I don't know if this medication will help in any way, but I'm hopeful it will ease even a little of how I feel.

I didn't think I really deserved help until recently, I didn't think I was 'ill enough', but now I think actually I was wrong and I was denying myself the help I do deserve.

Never feel you do not deserve help, and if you want help then please look for it. Whatever problems or struggles you face, you deserve help. Encourage your friends/family to seek help if they need it. Everyone deserves help.