Reflect on your blessings

The last few months have been the worst months of my life. The darkness has been unbearable at times. In the recent week or two I have tried so hard to eat a little more than I was, but it's difficult and I'm still not putting on weight. My laxative use renders me half paralysed at times and makes it impossible to sleep properly at night. My blood tests show my immune system struggling. My hair is starting to die and falling out due to lack of nutrients, and I feel weak almost all the time. 

Due to how dark things feel, I decided to try and think about things I am grateful for.

I don't mean the big things in life that we are all grateful for, like my family, friends, my cat. 

All very important things but I wanted to think about the little things that I probably don't even realise I'm grateful for. 

-The fact my flat has a private garden, my garden is definitely my 'calm place'.

-The fact supermarkets sell low fat iced coffees.

-Tracksuit bottoms and slippers.

-The elderly couple who live a few flats away from me, whom I've never actually spoken to, but who wave whenever they see me.

-Johnson's baby bedtime bath soak, it smells amazing.

-My recent weekend stay in Somerset, I love that place and staying there reminded me how much I want to qualify so I can go and work there. 

-One of my close friends just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Looking at this gorgeous baby reminds me I have to get better otherwise I won't ever be able to have a baby of my own. 

On top of these things, I am blessed with a loving family and such caring friends. I know in that aspect I am extremely lucky. 

Out of each week, I probably only have a day, or maybe two days, where I can see the good in life and the things I am grateful for. I also know if I carry on the way I am, my body will continue to shut down and eventually that will be the end. I know the fight is far from won but the things I am grateful for push me on. 

'Reflect upon your present blessings' - Charles Dickens 

Nine circles of hell

Being diagnosed with anything, physical or mental, can be a long and trying process. 

It can take time for professionals to be able to diagnosis or professionals may not always agree with each other. 

A diagnosis is not the be all and end all, but for some people it can be comforting to put a label or a name on the feelings they have. 

The diagnosis for my eating disorder is atypical anorexia nervosa. 

The 'atypical' part means that someone meets the majority of the criteria for anorexia nervosa, but not all of it. There is also atypical bulimia nervosa, and the 'atypical' disorders are often categorised as the 'eating disorders not otherwise specified' (EDNOS). 

In my case, I meet the criteria for anorexia, all apart from the fact that most months I still have my periods. In many ways this makes me feel invalid. 

As time goes on and I see more of my care coordinator and more of my psychiatric consultant, I am repeatedly told that I'm not a low enough weight to get any NHS help for my eating disorder.

I have said time and time again to professionals that I don't want physical help, as in being helped to put on weight. 

I want therapy to help my relationship with food and to help stop me seeing food as an enemy. 

I'm so sick of being told I still weigh too much to be helped. I'm sent for weekly blood tests and the slip I am given each time states 'anorexia nervosa' across the top, yet I'm still too heavy to be given help. 

Obviously there is private help, which I am looking into but I lack motivation to follow these things up or to make effort to contact anyone. Mainly, because I have little hope of this getting better. 

After hours upon hours with professionals, discussing every part of my life, the only statement that is left ringing in my ears, is that I am still too heavy. 

Dante wrote about nine circles of Hell, I am certain I am within one of them. 

Roo's strengthening medicine

My morning routine that used to simply consist of a coffee with venlafaxine, now also consists of two vitamin tablets which claim to have a fruity flavour but definitely do not. Followed by a liquid medicine (Roo's strengthening medicine) full of iron and zinc which tastes frankly revolting. 

The worst part about Roo's strengthening medicine is that I have to take it twice a day.

Once the medications are out of the way, my days consist of watching crap television and occasionally sitting in my garden.

Focusing on anything is difficult, I force myself to attempt sudoku and crosswords but my attention span seems to stretch to only a couple of minutes.

I think sometimes people make the mistake of thinking that if you have depression, that means you're sad, miserable, crying all the time. 

Depression isn't that at all. 

Depression is a lack of energy, motivation, attention. Depression is numbness. I have days and days on end where I feel next to no emotion at all, just an empty numbness. 

Of course, there are days when I feel the sadness people associate with depression, but the sadness definitely does not define depression. 

Where is summer?

Days seem endless, full of assessments, visiting different hospitals to hear about a range of treatment programmes. 

I know almost everybody wants to help but nobody knows what to do. 

Nobody can diminish the darkness. 

I desperately don't want to go into a hospital, but my other options seem bleak. 

I'm tired of being tired, of being exhausted. I'm tired of feeling so mentally drained.

I long for someone to discover a medication that can stabilise this disorder, that can silence the voice of this disorder. 

Someone once said to me that it can snow as late as May but summer will always come in the end. That phrase has always stuck in my mind and all I can do now is to hope that somewhere along the way, summer comes and the darkness ends. 

Stigma/my diagnosis

The stigma that mental health illnesses carry are like dead weights. 

I can only write about things I have experienced myself, things I have heard people say or stuff I've read about. From my experience one of disorders that carries one of the heaviest and most detrimental stigmas is personality disorder. 

The name 'personality disorder' covers a range from avoidant to schizoid to narcissistic to emotionally unstable or borderline. 

Perhaps the most commonly heard of personality disorder is emotionally unstable/borderline. 

Borderline is the name given in DSM-IV and unemotionally unstable in ICD-10, but the criteria for borderline and emotionally unstable are almost identical. 

DSM-IV and ICD-10 both list the features of this disorder, and a person does not have to meet every single feature to be given the diagnosis. 

EUPD, unfortunately, holds a stigma with it that people with this disorder are manipulative, attention seeking and 'badly behaved'. That when/if they self harm or attempt suicide it's always only for attention. They purposely cause arguments and often make false allegations, they can't be trusted and a common phrase I hear about patients with EUPD is that they 'love being in hospital'. 

In actual fact, EUPD means the person has problems regulating their emotions, often leading to self harm. They may have unpredictable mood swings and/or not know why they feel certain ways. They often have identity issues and insecurities, making 

EUPD very common in people with eating disorders. 

But, it seems some healthcare professionals do not deem personality disorder as a 'real' mental illness, and do not view it in the same way they see bipolar or schizophrenia.

Patients with EUPD can be hugely challenging, as can patients with any other illness, but is this a reason to tarnish the name of personality disorder so new patients are almost written off before even being met, simply because of their diagnosis.

My official diagnosis is an atypical eating disorder, co-morbid with depressive disorder and traits of emotionally unstable personality disorder.

I wasn't surprised when I was given this diagnosis and it didn't upset me, but it does make me hope I am not seen as a manipulative or attention seeking patient. Even though it isn't a 'full' EUPD diagnosis, people are still quick to stigmatise. I knew I would be told I had EUPD traits due to my self harm, suicidal ideation and identity issues. 

Luckily, I knew myself for twenty five years before this diagnosis and I know I am not what any stereotype says. However, some people are not as fortunate as me and they get almost consumed by the stigma of disorders. 

Surely the best way to erase stigma is to remember that every illness is a valid illness and to try and see past the difficulties that mental disorders presents.