Nine circles of hell

Being diagnosed with anything, physical or mental, can be a long and trying process. 

It can take time for professionals to be able to diagnosis or professionals may not always agree with each other. 

A diagnosis is not the be all and end all, but for some people it can be comforting to put a label or a name on the feelings they have. 

The diagnosis for my eating disorder is atypical anorexia nervosa. 

The 'atypical' part means that someone meets the majority of the criteria for anorexia nervosa, but not all of it. There is also atypical bulimia nervosa, and the 'atypical' disorders are often categorised as the 'eating disorders not otherwise specified' (EDNOS). 

In my case, I meet the criteria for anorexia, all apart from the fact that most months I still have my periods. In many ways this makes me feel invalid. 

As time goes on and I see more of my care coordinator and more of my psychiatric consultant, I am repeatedly told that I'm not a low enough weight to get any NHS help for my eating disorder.

I have said time and time again to professionals that I don't want physical help, as in being helped to put on weight. 

I want therapy to help my relationship with food and to help stop me seeing food as an enemy. 

I'm so sick of being told I still weigh too much to be helped. I'm sent for weekly blood tests and the slip I am given each time states 'anorexia nervosa' across the top, yet I'm still too heavy to be given help. 

Obviously there is private help, which I am looking into but I lack motivation to follow these things up or to make effort to contact anyone. Mainly, because I have little hope of this getting better. 

After hours upon hours with professionals, discussing every part of my life, the only statement that is left ringing in my ears, is that I am still too heavy. 

Dante wrote about nine circles of Hell, I am certain I am within one of them.