The long road

The road to any sort of recovery is usually always a long one. 

I feel so far from any recovery that I wonder what will happen to me.

On good days, I believe God does have some sort of plan, in so many ways I feel it's unfair He has given me the eating disorder and the depression and I must overcome both. I wonder how I will manage this, I feel so far from overcoming anything right now. 

On bad days, I have no idea what I believe or what I think.

I have now started a new antidepressant, as citalopram didn't benefit me.

As with many medications, the first few weeks are full of feeling nauseous and dizzy. 

Days are long, empty and exhausting, and I struggle to see when this will end. 

Days are dark, full of intricate calorie counting and punishing my body for being so disgusting.

When it's so dark, it's so difficult to see any way out, and so I sit and wonder what will become of me? Will this be my life forever more? I pray that this is not how it will always be.

'If you're going through hell, keep going' - Winston Churchill

A waiting game

Anyone who has ever needed any treatment, mental or physical, knows that it can be a long waiting game. Full of referral forms, blood tests, weigh ins, ECGs, more blood tests and phone calls. It can be so tedious and tiring.

I work for the NHS and I see, from inside, the impact of the shortage of beds, teams, clinicians and resources, so in no way do I want to criticise anyone. I know all too well the strain the NHS is under. But waiting weeks to hear results and treatment plans is horrible and exhausting. 

I am due to see my GP tomorrow, to discuss more options including private healthcare. I appreciate that I am in the fortunate position of being able to access private treatments. I know not everyone is in that position. 

My family really have been incredible through this time and my mother is hands down the most wonderful person I know. She gives me more love and support than I could ever ask for and I will be eternally grateful.

I also want to thank everyone who has read this blog, messaged me and shown their support. 

Every single day, but especially on the dark days, it really does lift me so much to hear kind words from people. 

So much love to you all x

Thoughts on depression

Trigger warning post mentioning self harm. 

I have been studying a nursing degree for nearly two years, and worked in mental health wards and units for the last five years. However it is only since I became unwell myself that I can truly comprehend depression in all it's unorthodox, bastard glory. 

Before I became unwell, I felt I had a good understanding of most mental health problems, I knew what the signs and symptoms were, what common triggers were and what medications and therapies were often prescribed. 

I have been proud of myself for often being a staff member that patients would like to be around, or a staff member that would get an individual thank you when someone was discharged. I have always bonded well with patients and I put this down to my approach being based on the fact I can understand a lot of what they feel, in one way or another. 

But like I said before, I have always been successful in my working environments, however it is only now I can really understand the trials and tribulations of depression. 

If you have depression, or someone you know has depression, I think it's so important to remember that every single day is different.

Some days I get up and brush my teeth, make a coffee and watch television in my duvet on the sofa. I feel low in mood but I will have times during the day where I can feel slightly lifted and more content. I would say these days are 4/10 days. 

Other days I can do all of the above and also go to Sainsbury's for milk and bits and pieces. Again I will usually still feel low in mood but I will be happy I have left the flat and got things done. These days are a 5/10.

Some days I physically feel like I cannot move from my bed, like an actual weight is holding me down. Crushing me. These days I dread and fear hugely. These days the thought of going to brush my teeth feels like it requires so much energy that I do not have. On these days I hibernate beneath a duvet either in bed or on my sofa and I cannot do anything. The television may be turned on but I cannot focus on what is on the screen. I can't eat or concentrate on anything. My depression has brought with it urges to self harm. On days like these, I feel the urge but the effort it would take is almost too much. These days I would say are 2/10. 

I would not rate them lower than a 2, as I fear days could definitely get worse. I hope they do not.

Depression is all-consuming, controlling and dictating. It clouds every moment of every day and ensures it's presence is known. It tugs, pushes, pulls you down, side ways, any way except up.

The medication I am prescribed is now at the maximum dose, with unfortunately no effect.

I am hopeful the doctor will soon change and prescribe me a different type of anti depressant.

For now all I can tell myself is whatever will be will be and it is in Gods hands to ensure I am on the right path.