Thoughts on depression

Trigger warning post mentioning self harm. 

I have been studying a nursing degree for nearly two years, and worked in mental health wards and units for the last five years. However it is only since I became unwell myself that I can truly comprehend depression in all it's unorthodox, bastard glory. 

Before I became unwell, I felt I had a good understanding of most mental health problems, I knew what the signs and symptoms were, what common triggers were and what medications and therapies were often prescribed. 

I have been proud of myself for often being a staff member that patients would like to be around, or a staff member that would get an individual thank you when someone was discharged. I have always bonded well with patients and I put this down to my approach being based on the fact I can understand a lot of what they feel, in one way or another. 

But like I said before, I have always been successful in my working environments, however it is only now I can really understand the trials and tribulations of depression. 

If you have depression, or someone you know has depression, I think it's so important to remember that every single day is different.

Some days I get up and brush my teeth, make a coffee and watch television in my duvet on the sofa. I feel low in mood but I will have times during the day where I can feel slightly lifted and more content. I would say these days are 4/10 days. 

Other days I can do all of the above and also go to Sainsbury's for milk and bits and pieces. Again I will usually still feel low in mood but I will be happy I have left the flat and got things done. These days are a 5/10.

Some days I physically feel like I cannot move from my bed, like an actual weight is holding me down. Crushing me. These days I dread and fear hugely. These days the thought of going to brush my teeth feels like it requires so much energy that I do not have. On these days I hibernate beneath a duvet either in bed or on my sofa and I cannot do anything. The television may be turned on but I cannot focus on what is on the screen. I can't eat or concentrate on anything. My depression has brought with it urges to self harm. On days like these, I feel the urge but the effort it would take is almost too much. These days I would say are 2/10. 

I would not rate them lower than a 2, as I fear days could definitely get worse. I hope they do not.

Depression is all-consuming, controlling and dictating. It clouds every moment of every day and ensures it's presence is known. It tugs, pushes, pulls you down, side ways, any way except up.

The medication I am prescribed is now at the maximum dose, with unfortunately no effect.

I am hopeful the doctor will soon change and prescribe me a different type of anti depressant.

For now all I can tell myself is whatever will be will be and it is in Gods hands to ensure I am on the right path.