My life has been taken out of my control, out of my hands and this demon of an eating disorder mixed with depression is controlling me.
Every time I feel as if I have taken a step forwards, this disorder pushes me three steps backwards.
Recently, I wrote about seeing the doctor and starting treatment. I am still receiving treatment but my condition has worsened since I first went to the GP. The depression, along with feelings of self harm and suicide has mounted up on me and my eating habits are far from in my control.
I have had to take a year interrupt from my university course, to give myself the time to get better before I return to finish my third year. I'm completely gutted that this is what I have to do, although I see the positives of taking a year out.
My motivation, attention span and energy are all so lacking.
I have a lot more time on my hands now I am having out of university, I find myself spending a lot of time sat in my garden thinking about what life will be when I beat this illness.
I long to feel control over my life and over my body. I long for the day I can eat what I want, when I want, without feeling compelled to meticulously weigh myself and take tablets. I long for the depression to lessen, for the darkness, that feels so real and literal, to fade away.
I hope this is the start of the right path.
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