For so long I thought there was nothing wrong with me, I didn't qualify to be classed as having an eating disorder, as I wasn't anorexic or bulimic.
I went through a phase of bulimia but for me, it was never going to last. It never satisfied me and it didn't really help me.
I guess I started off 'not too bad', but then plummeted when I reached about twenty one/twenty two, became hooked on illegal diet pills with speed in them, taking four or five times the daily recommended dose, starved myself continuously and ended up having to leave my job.
I always found starving myself to be the thing I needed the most, it was what I enjoyed, what made me feel better. I would starve myself for several days a week, but I was never skin and bones, I never went below seven stone (to my disappointment), so I never received any physical health help. Maybe I could have got help, but I didn't want it. Until now, I never felt like I could talk about any of it.
Although some of my closest friends knew, I became a master of disguise. Mainly to save my friends and family from the pain I was going through.
I couldn't bear people knowing how I felt, and as I didn't live in the same city as my family, or indeed most of my friends, it was easy to disguise what was happening.
In the last year or two, I have improved but I am not recovered. I am far from it.
Can anyone recover from something like this?
I dragged myself out of the vicious circle of tablets and starvation.
Although I can now live without illegal tablets, I still rely on my trusty laxatives.
I now can allow myself to eat meals, I can't let myself eat what I want, I can't eat carbs, I religiously calorie count and weigh myself around seven/eight times a day. Still now if I have a 'bad' day and eat carbs or something high in fat, then a starvation day will be needed.
I can't eat what my friends/family want to eat and I can't go anywhere over night without weighing scales.
My life still revolves around my weight.
I am now training to work in mental health, and naturally during training we hear a lot of inspirational stories and statements, but there's one that really sticks in my mind;
'It can snow as late as May, but summer will always come eventually'
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