I can vividly remember when I was plummeting downwards into some of the worst times with my eating disorder, I was in my bed room at university and my stomach rumbled. I had the usual fight in my mind about whether to eat or not, and then I remember hearing a voice in my mind telling me I couldn't eat. I don't believe I ever really heard voices in the way some people do, but I imagined this voice and for months and months it popped up, from my imagination, every time I felt hungry. It grew and became more regular, and then I would be congratulated when the numbers on the scales went down. Maybe my imagination was too vivid. Maybe it was my subconscious. It never really bothered me what it was that I heard and felt, it just became the norm.
Eventually I told myself it was all my imagination and proved myself right as I stopped imagining hearing anything.
I think people brush eating disorders under the carpet, especially if someone isn't very, very thin, like me. But this isn't fair. Eating disorders destroy lives, control lives, manipulate lives. My whole life, my every move, revolves around eating. The torment is constant.
People should not underestimate or ignore the realness of eating disorders, whether the signs are visible or not.
'A certain darkness is needed to see the stars' - Osho, The Book of Secrets.
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