??

Will I ever be happy with who I am?

As I am now, I have very little energy. I have huge bags under my eyes, my hair comes out in big clumps and snaps at the ends and I've half most of the muscle mass I had. My knowledge on nutrition and the human body tells me I would feel physically better if I ate more and put on a bit of weight. But my brain tells me I can't do that because it may give me more energy in the short run but it will make me feel even worse mentally. Even more depressed and digested and repulsed. 

My knowledge tells me that I am underweight and that's why I'm tired. 

My mind tells me I'm still too fat so I can't eat anymore than I do. Infact I need to keep cutting down what I eat. My mind tells me that people don't think I look thin enough. People think I look a normal weight, probably chubby. 

My mind tells me you have to push harder because 'normal' is too big. I am at constant war with myself because I know logically what is healthy and what isn't. I see people who are healthy weights and people who are overweight and I know they look beautiful, they look attractive and good. So why can I not be happy like that?

For years and years I've restricted my intake, trying never to max 500 calories a day. Clearly some days I do go over this but many days I manage to stay well under. The feeling of only eating an apple is exhilarating in many ways. Like a power that runs through my veins as if my brain is saying fuck you to my body and to science, I don't need to eat. 

But as exhilarating as it is, it's also detrimental to me physically and it's exhausting. 

So how will I ever be content with who I am? 

Will I actually ever know who I am? Will I be constantly at war for the rest of my life? If so, what sort of a life is that?