Today is the day I should have got my results for the end of year pharmacology exam. The exam that takes you into final year and brings you that step closer to qualifying as a nurse.
But I didn't get my results as I didn't get to sit the exam.
Instead my life was, once again, dictated to me by my illness.
In the same way that my illness dictated which friendships I'd lose, the same way it broke my year and a half relationship. My illness decided it would also change my career path.
Granted right now I am only having a year out of university, so my career path could stay the same I many ways, and only be delayed by 12 months. But it will be different, because I am different.
There is no guarantee that I'll go back to university. There is no guarantee of anything really.
Mental illness is a difficult pill for anyone to swallow, and being in the midst of it almost feels like a tornado. You are pulled this way and that way, pushed down and down and constantly smothered by it.
It is hard for everyone it touches, not just people who have the illness but their friends and families too. When I first became unwell I thought I could list easily the people who would stand by me, but if I had listed 10 people then I'd have only got 3 of them right.
You see who is left standing when the tornado hits.
Along with the people you expect to stand by you, you also expect to still have your job or your university course. You expect, and hope, things could stay the same.
But the tornado is in control, not you. The tornado is set to wreak havoc and isolate you.
I'm so bitter and angry. So bitter about the relationships I've lost during the last six months. I'm so bitter that my degree has been put on hold. I'm angry that I have no control.
I am a tiny, insignificant pawn in the eye of the storm.
No comments
Post a Comment