I've tried really hard with eating in the last week or so. I'm hardly ever having a day where I eat nothing. I've even bought oats, wheat flakes and dried fruit to make my own cereal.
Yet every day is still a huge struggle. I can't let myself put on weight, I still have to restrict and laxative. I can't carry things I used be able to, I feel pathetic. At one point last year I could lift 120kg on a calf press. I'd give anything to be back in that place. I have a constant headache, my legs ache and I get tired doing simple tasks.
My hair still has days where it comes out in big clumps. My energy levels are still rock bottom and my mood is still dark a lot of the time, but I am trying.
I wish I could see an end to this.
I wish I could just avoid mirrors or thinking about myself.
When I see my reflection I wish I could rip the skin off my body. My skin burns with this repulsive, strange and foreign feeling. As if my body is not my own anymore, it belongs to a darkness, not to me. The darkness feels all consuming, Beelzebub alive and breathing. How can there be an afterlife consisting of Hell, surely this is Hell now.
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