Speaking about mental health is probably one of the most difficult things to do. For some ridiculous reason, many people still hold the medieval thinking that mental illness equals shame and weakness.
I started this blog to document the inner most thoughts and feelings I have surrounding my mental health.
I have received a hug, huge amount of love and support because of this blog, but there are still numerous times I have started writing my thoughts down and chickened out of posting it. This is usually because I’m afraid that once I press post, it means those thoughts are there for the world to see, it leaves me open and vulnerable, but most of all it means that people can see the darkest and most secret parts of me. Very often sharing those parts of yourself can help someone else, or at least raise awareness. But sharing those parts is terrifying.
I have written posts that I have not published because I don’t know how others will react, and unfortunately because I’ve been ashamed.
This is a very sad fact, that I can say I’ve felt ashamed of my mental health, even after two years of psychiatric nursing training, even after working in various mental health organisations, even when it is 2017.
I’m sure so many people feel the way I feel. Mental health is petrifying, isolating and absolutely all consuming. My own mind has the power to destroy everything I hold close to my heart.
How do you stop your mind turning in on itself, screaming and tearing everything apart?
Today I had a bowl of mango chunks and raspberries and a yoghurt for breakfast. Then in the evening I had some fresh prawns and lettuce.
My mind is screaming at a thousand miles an hour. That’s too much to eat. I know all the facts and figures, I know what calories the body needs to survive properly, I know I haven’t eaten over a couple of hundred calories, I know all of this. It makes no difference.
My mind is racing and screaming. Diet pills, laxatives, nothing even makes a difference anymore. I take them because it’s almost as if I don’t remember how not to take them. But nothing helps, I still ate. I have days where I can’t get out of bed because I’m so exhausted of fighting this fight. Days where giving up seems like the only thing to do. Days where I cannot look in the mirror. Days where I am just wishing for a way out of this nightmare.
This is something I am deeply ashamed of. I question over and over what on earth is wrong with me? There are parts of the world that are starved of nutritious food, people who would give a leg to eat what I have the option to eat. Yet here I am, crying over some mango.
I am ashamed of the suicidal thoughts I have. I feel huge guilt over the thoughts of ending my life, because I have so much to live for.
Yes I have an eating disorder and depression, but people face a lot worse in their lives don’t they?
I feel ashamed to admit that my nightly routine consists of taking 15-20 laxatives. I feel quite disgusted that I inflict that on myself, because some people endure horrendous physical illnesses like bowel cancer. I’m sure these people would pay a large price to not been bound to the bathroom for hours on end. Yet here I am ripping my insides apart over a bowl of salad and prawns.
These thoughts of embarrassment, shame and guilt pace around my head every day.
But I am wrong to feel ashamed. I am wrong to compare myself to anyone else, disease or no disease.
I have experienced first hand from an immediate family member how it feels to be told your mental health is silly, to be told to ‘just get over it’, to be made to feel invalid.
Mental illness is VALID. Your mental health is so valid.
It is 2017, we have put man on the moon.
We have split the atom, we have created electricity, created penicillin and vaccines against diseases.
We have developed technology to such high levels that we can now FaceTime people on the other side of the world.
How can humans be so advanced in so many areas, but so backwards when it comes to mental health.
It is now time we accept mental health in every form it takes. It is time we open our eyes and give acceptance to every soul that struggles.
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