Beelzebub

When people ask me to explain what I feel it's very difficult to put into words. 

The most accurate way to describe my feelings is that it is as if a demon lives in my body, and sometimes the demon sleeps and sometimes he is awake. 

When the demon sleeps I can feel a little more alive, I can function and manage to go to the supermarket or manage to watch television or do a crossword. Unfortunately the demon only really likes the power nap every now and again. 

When the demon is awake it is as if my mind is controlled by him and the darkness floods in. These are the times where thoughts of hurting myself or ending my life are most intense.

I have named the demon Beelzebub, after Binsfeld's classification of demons. Binsfeld named Beelzebub as one of the princes of hell. 

Now, logically I know I do not have a demon living within me. But it is the best way I can find to describe the feeling that I have lost control of my mind.