I have spent years longing to be able to eat whatever I feel like eating. People sometimes may the mistake of thinking someone with an eating disorder just does not like food, but this is so wrong.
I LOVE food. I just can't let myself eat it.
I love macaroni cheese, garlic bread, fish and chips, lasagne, spaghetti bolognese, chilli con carne.. and these are probably the type of foods that many people eat regularly.
I know these aren't particularly 'unhealthy' meals. I remember my parents making spag bol, chilli, lasagne, fish pie, all sorts of meals for our family dinners every night.
I used to eat them every night, and it was more than okay.
But now, I can't imagine what it would even feel like to eat a meal like that.
On the rare occasion I eat something I deem as 'bad', then follows days of more laxatives than usual and more restriction than usual. To ensure I lose whatever I may have gained in that one 'bad' meal.
It's so complicated in my mind because I know logically how weight, metabolism etc works.
But logic means nothing when I have a constant voice in my head telling me I can't eat that, I can't eat this, I have to lose more weight, keep pushing keep pushing.
I long to eat whatever I crave that day. When I walk through supermarket aisles I long to just pick up whatever takes my fancy. Instead of looking at the food and then hearing a voice saying no you can't eat that. It has too many calories. Walk away.
I long to eat with my friends and my family, to be able to eat the same meal that my family eat.
I long to silence the voice. To be completely free of the voice.
But the voice is part of me, a part that I don't think will ever leave.
When you think about it, it's who I am. It defines my very being. I am my eating disorder.
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