Remember

Slowly you learn to let yourself eat again,
Maybe you put on a couple of pounds,
Onto that body that was near skin and bones,
It feels like the heaviest weight in the world.
The voices fly round your head,
Fat, big, huge, ugly,
Obese, enormous, disgusting,
You fight, fight, fight again those words.
It is not fat, it is the start of becoming healthy again,
The start of becoming you again.
Remember when you weren't too weak to go to the gym,
Remember when you could enjoy a meal in a restaurant,
Remember when standing up didn't leave you light headed,
When daily life didn't exhaust you.
Remember who you were before this.

...

There are more feel good, body confident quotes around than you could count.
There are many amazing recovery stories to inspire you.
There are cold, hard facts about what eating disorders do to people.
There are also the cold, hard facts of what anorexia did to my life. Even referring to myself as anorexic feels like a sham now. I suppose I was, my weight was in the 'anorexic boundaries' and I would restrict and starve. But now it feels like a joke saying it, it feels embarrassing.
My weight now is only a couple of pounds under the recommended 'healthy' weight for someone my height. My bmi is just under the recommended.
But barely.
Barely.
Putting on weight in the last few months has increased my energy, made me overall 'healthier' but it hasn't helped my thoughts at all.
I'm ashamed of my weight now. Ashamed that I used to be thinner.
I look constantly for something to inspire all of the self hatred and loathing out of me but there's nothing. 

Body shaming

Body shaming really gets me so upset. I struggle so much to see how in 2018 people feel it's alright to criticise others bodies. Whether that criticism is based around being overweight, underweight, or too short, too small, or just a slightly unusual body shape, it's so wrong.
In some aspects of life like science and medicine, humans come along in leaps and bounds. In other aspects, we are quite slow and a little disappointing, like how long it took to legalise same sex marriages. Or how much racism and sexism still exist. Being English it's hard to speak for other countries, and after quite a long time we did legalise same sex marriage and people are be coming more open minded. We do make huge progress within medicine and drug experiments.
We live in a diverse country full of people with different skin colours, different accents and people from many different cultures.
Yet some people can look at someone, who they may have never even spoken to or even seen other than on the internet, and they can find flaws in that person's appearance. They decide there's a part of that person's body they think is ugly.
How can any half decent person do that to somebody else?
How can a stranger think they can decide for you that you have something wrong with your appearance?
Working in mental health has given meme thick skin. I've never cared how many times I get called the C word.
I've been told I'm no good at what I do, I'm selfish, privileged, a bitch. I've been told to jump off a cliff, been called a slag or a whore, and none of it ever really bothered me.
Most people were unwell or angry when they said those things and I'm a forgiving person so I could never be upset or annoyed by it. I understand rage, I understand distress, I understand a build up of feelings that just explodes.
But body shaming someone, calling someone 'anorexic' or 'fat' as an insult if something I can't ever understand.
I will always be biased because of my eating disorder, I know many people throw words around like that and do not feel anything. But when you carry a pain inside you like an eating disorder, it's a burden that will never go.
Body shaming is taking that burden that someone is trying to cope with and displaying it for everyone to see.
It is parading that person's pain and using it as a weapon.
Fuck body shaming.
Living with someone about yourself that you don't like or something you're conscious of is a daily struggle, fuck any lowlife who tries to make you feel worse about it. 

Getting nowhere?

The terrain of recovery changes daily, this is natural but this makes it very easy to want to give up.
I have days where I think I haven't gotten anywhere. Where I completely feel ruled by Beelzebub and I don't see that ever changing.
But I'm wrong and if you feel that same hopelessness then you may well be wrong too.
It is ED that makes us believe we are failing, getting nowhere, because ED wants us to give up.
Since I started seeing my therapist last year, I've gained 4 pounds - which is over 4 months may not seem a lot but anorexics struggle to put any significant weight on quickly.
When your body has become used to functioning at 41/42/43 kg, or whatever your weight was, or so long, it will take time for that to increase.
Since seeing my therapist I haven't self harmed.
Since seeing her I have trained myself to look at calories on food packets less and to try and stop calculating them constatnly in my head.
I have also got a job that I really enjoy and I have gone from weighing myself 7/8/9/10 times a day to weighing myself once or twice a week.
Now, my therapist is good but I'm not saying she has done all of this for me, she hasn't. What a truly great therapist does is give you the tools to make the changes.
With an eating disorder, only the one struggling can make the changes.
I have still have a long way to go, my eating habits are far from 'normal', my laxative abuse has not improved yet and my mind can still be a dark place.
But that doesn't matter right now, what matters is I have made progress.
If you are someone who struggles, and you feel you are getting nowhere, think harder because any improvement however small is a victory.
Recovery is not one big step forward, it is made up of lots of little victories.

My venomous thing

A venomous thing still lives inside my soul.
Acknowledging that was the first real step I took towards getting better.
I feel more positive now than I have for many months, if not years, but naturally the bad days, the bad thoughts still come.
As time goes on I know they'll become less frequent but when it's a bad day it's so difficult to divert your brain and remind yourself that these days will lessen as time goes on.
The one thing I do tell myself that does hit home is that if you have to restrict to be the weight you are, then you aren't meant to be that weight. If you have to purge or abuse laxatives or cause your body harm in any other way, then that isn't the weight your body is meant to be.
There is no 'perfect weight to aim for.
Your body knows what it wants and needs, let yourself live.
The voice of an eating disorder will tell you you are meant to be skin and bones, but actually your physical body knows what you need a lot more than the eating disorder that is clouding and controlling your brain.
Eating disorders are a fight to the death.
Either you fight until the eating disorder kills you, or you fight until your life ends due to a physical illness or whatever.
Whether you die at 19 or 90, an eating disorder is always a fight to the death.
I must fight to let myself live, fight against the disorder, against the venom.
Anyone out there struggling must fight to let yourself live too.

Life has to be the only option, then your eating disorder cannot win.

Old brain VS new brain

It's been two weeks now since I started to attempt to weigh myself less.
It's hard.
I never realised the unhealthy comfort that it gave me to weigh myself 8/9/10 times a day. I knew it made me feel better to do it but I didn't realise how much I was reassured and comforted by it.
My constant companion, my eating disorder, the thing that has given me life at the exact same time as it has destroyed my soul.

I try now to weigh myself once every 2/3 days. Sometimes I'm successful with this but often I'm not.
The temptation calls to me. Beelzebub reminding me that I can just quickly stand on those scales and then at least I will know exactly what I weigh.
Trying to change the way you have thought for years and years and years is hard.
It's almost as if my brain just doesn't know what to think anymore.
On one hand it tells me to weigh myself and then I can base what I eat or dlnt eat around that, I can use laxatives and be in control.
On the other hand it tells me if I weigh myself I'll start losing weight and I'm still classed as underweight so that would be bad.
My old, eating disorder brain VS my new non-eating disorder brain.
The problem is that my new non-eating disorder brain is so young and inexperienced, and my old, faithful ED brain feels more homely and much safer.

I cannot complain because in general I do feel better now than I did a few months ago, or than I did this time last year, but I'm still fighting and still struggling.
And I wonder if the struggle will ever end. 

Periods are never fun

I don't think I know of any person who enjoys getting their period, I have definitely always hated mine. Even before I was unwell, it was something I dreaded.
This post may be a bit 'gross' to some people, but I think that reinforces that eating disorders need to be more widely spoken about so that people accept and face up to the struggles that sufferers face.
I've always had very painful periods but the one that just recently started seems worse than ever.
It may be that I haven't had a proper one for so many months now that I forgot what it was like, it may be the utter shock to my bodily system that I weigh enough now to have them, I don't know. But it's horrendous.
I know my period returning is a big sign of being in recovery - I should be happy about this, because I do want to get better. But it also carries a feeling of impending doom.
I say so often to my therapist, I find the hardest part of my eating disorder to be battling against it with logical thoughts.
For example, when I eat something and my ED says 'you're disgusting you're fat look at the state of you'
I have to reply with logic; 'I know logically you are wrong because I know what I weigh and I know the guidelines of what a healthy weight is'.
It's like that with my period. As soon as it arrived Beelzebub is telling me I've failed, I weigh enough now for my period to come normally, that means I'm fat.
I know LOGICALLY this is wrong - I know my weight has gone up slightly but is still classed as underweight so how can I be overweight? I know billions of perfectly healthy, beautiful women have periods every day and they aren't disgusting or fat. I know my period is a good thing, a sign that I'm getting better.
But these logical thoughts vs my eating disorder are so hard to manage. Because Beelzebub is still strong, to the point my human non-ED brain sometimes even says but fuck logic.
It makes it so much worse than my period leaves me physically tired and emotionally drained so I have less energy to fight ED.
I think the worst part of my period is that alongside the period pains, I have pains from laxatives. Anyone who has been through this mixture - I salute you.
It is nothing short of horrific.
The pains are crippling.
You don't know what your body needs or wants, all you know is that it's screaming with pain.
God knows there is no over the counter painkiller in the world that can make a difference.
I slept last night for fourteen hours, clinging onto a hot water bottle teddy bear. Now don't get me wrong, I know there are far greater physical pains in the world, and if I think long enough then I know I've experienced worse.
Unfortunately periods have a clever way of manipulating your hormones and turning them from quite rational little beings into near psychotic, tearful little hurricanes. So it becomes hard to remember that the pain will pass and it could be a lot worse.
I know I am getting better, I just have to focus on that.

The bottom line is that your period may be one of the most difficult parts of recovery.
(This is not at all to say that boys and men don't have eating disorders, of course they do but without a willybob I don't know what equates to a period for you guys!)
All I can say, to both men and women, is do your best to persevere.
Girls, when your period comes and you feeling defeated, like a failure, please do not give up. Crawl into bed and curl up with a hot water bottle, watch a happy film or nap. Then when you wake up hopefully a little blue sky will come through the grey and you must tell yourself you are not a failure. A women's body was made to have periods, it's a gift really because it symbolises reproduction.
If you have your period then you are beating your eating disorder, even if it's only in a very small way, you should be proud of that.
To anyone lucky enough to be in a relationship or to be friends with someone who is suffering, remind them what a gift from God they are to the world.
Period or no period, an ED sufferer often feels like the worst thing alive, tell them whenever they need to hear it that they are far from this. Also, high five to those who love and support sufferers, it's not easy job I know. I also know that they appreciate you more than you'll ever know.

A little positivity

I am going to dare to say that for the first time in a very long time, I feel quite well.
Whatever 'well' means.
Well, I feel less 'unwell'.
I am making progress with therapy. I have reduced the number of times I weigh myself daily from eight or nine, to one.
It wasn't easy, it was very anxiety provoking, especially for the first two or three days, but after that the anxiety did not continue to build, instead it sort of slowed down. The anxiety remained in my mind but it was engulfing me the way I had feared it would. Then after two weeks of weighing myself once a day, the anxiety was almost gone.
My next challenge is to take that once a day weigh in, and turn into once every three days, and then into once a week.
That is a terrifying thought, but it's only terrifying for a minute. Because then I think, I have already reduced the amount of times by a lot, so I can do this.
As well as my weighing goal, I'm also aiming to reduce my laxative intake over the next two weeks.
This is a lot scarier than weighing myself only once a day.
I can't predict how it will go, taking laxatives has been part of my daily routine for three or four years now - I'm actually quite sure I pay for at least half of the workers wages at Sanofi.
But, like I said in my previous post, when things are difficult I have to think of what motivates me.

It quite simply comes down to this;

• I can be thin, restrict my diet until I'm only a handful of kilograms, I will satisfy Beelzebub and then either die, or live an empty life attacked to feeding tubes, but I will be thin.
• Or, I can eat a little more, exercise a little more, gain weight but also gain muscle, and have a happier and healthier life, doing the things I enjoy. Yes I will weigh more than I weigh now. No Beelzebub won't like it and he will criticise, but I'll be alive. 

A while ago, my mind was so controlled by my eating disorder than I would have chosen option one. I have made progress without even really realising, because I now choose option two. 

No matter how bad the day is, no matter if I can't make it out of bed, if I can't look at food, if I don't want to speak to anyone - still, option two. 

Motivation

Some days motivation is so hard to find. So much that at times it feels completely invisible. Other days, thankfully, it's a little easier.
I've been thinking over the past week or so about my life, my current situation, and what I really want to achieve.
A year ago I was in my second year of studying to be a psychiatric nurse, then a few months in I had to take a year out for my mental health. I needed time to put my wellbeing first and to heal.
To start off with, when I first took time out, I just had it in my mind that I would return in May 2018 to complete the rest of the degree. As time went on, I realised I really had no desire to be a nurse. I wasn't sure if this was because I had taken time out, or if I was realising I had never really put my heart into nursing.
For a long time I just ignored it. I didn't think about what I would do when Easter came around, it was too scary not knowing which direction to go in or what my career path would be.
Recently, however, I have thought about it and it hasn't been as scary as I thought it might be. I think the fact it isn't scary shows me I have made the right choice.
I decided that being a nurse isn't what I want. I have already lived the life of a nurse through the placement training and I think healthcare providers make healthcare professionals sacrifice parts of their life that I'm not willing to give up, which is very often their mental wellbeing.
I have spent time thinking about what motivates me, what makes me want to recover fully.
I know I'm on the right path but what are the true goals I hope for at the end?
For me it's easy, it's always been to be a mother.
The days when I feel so low I don't know I can make it out of bed, I think to myself 'if you don't get better you'll never be able to have a baby', and really that's true.
In order for us to achieve the goals we truly want, we have to be healthy and happy within ourselves.
I start my new job in two weeks and that is also motivation, as I know if I don't eat I won't have energy to go to work, so I won't be able to build a career or save for a house deposit, or any of the things I want in life.
If you are struggling - find the thing you want the most in the world, and use that as motivation.
It isn't always straight forward.
At one point the thing I wanted the most in the entire world was to be as thin as possible. I could honestly say I would have given anything for that.
I'm sure many ED sufferers can relate to that thinking.
But as time goes on, your body and mind heal, you leave those dark areas of thoughts.
Now my greatest hopes and wishes aren't so bleak.
They aren't based around a disorder.
If you have dreams that surpass your disorder, does it mean you're recovered?
No - but it means you're doing a damn good job at getting there. 

Taking a little care

Looking after yourself can be difficult. At one time or another we all indulge in things that are bad for us, not necessarily food wise, but maybe too much alcohol, maybe we take drugs, or we indulge by allowing ourselves to spend time on another human being that is bad for us.
Stopping ourselves doing something that, in the long run is bad for us, can be very hard when it often feels good at the time.
I need to take more care of myself.
I need to eat more and eat things my body needs, like protein and carbs, instead of just fruit and vegetables.
But it's all well and good acknowledging this, doesn't make it was.
Acknowledgement is a big step, be proud of yourself if you are at the point where you can see a change should be made.
Unfortunately, the 'doing' part is still hard.
There are smaller changes that may be easier to make, and still help a lot.
I wake up every morning and I ache so much in my back and shoulders, similar to what I can only imagine a 85 year old feels. Part of the reason is because my body is underfed, with not enough vitamins and my bones receive little calcium.
Although I cannot change my eating habits overnight to give my body what it needs, I can do other things.
Every morning and every evening I try to remember to stretch. Usually just basic yoga positions. Although this isn't much, I mean I usually only do a few minutes, but it does ease the ache a little.

Be proud of however you look after yourself, physically and mentally.
Whether it's eating right, exercising enough, taking time to yourself to read a good book, enjoying a long walk in the sunshine, meditation or ridding your life of people who have a negative impact on you.
Be proud, because it isn't always easy. 

An experiment

The latest thing I am trying with my therapist is to not weigh myself as much as I usually do.

Averagely at the moment I weigh myself six or seven times throughout the day.

It’s really a habitual thing more than anything.

I believe it’s a common thing for us ED sufferers to do. More than anything it’s reassurance isn’t it? Reassurance that we haven’t slipped too far, put on too much.

I’m trying over the next fortnight to only weigh myself once in the morning and once before bed.

At first it was a scary thought, really scary, like I’m going to lose control.

But then I thought about it, and actually it doesn’t mean I’m going to lose any more control than I would have if I were weighing myself the usual amounts.

It’s a habit I’ve gotten into and come to rely on, but it’s unhealthy and I know that deep down.

I’m feeling quite confident that I can manage to resist the temptation of the scales.

I know I’ll be anxious about it, but I have to keep reminding myself that Beelzebub is wrong when he tells me I need to weigh myself. That won’t rid me of the anxiety. All weighing myself religiously will do is give me momentary peace and then more anxiety will build until the next weigh in.

I have to ride the wave of the anxiety, stay strong, stay away from the scales, stay distracted, until the anxiety passes.