The long road

The road to any sort of recovery is usually always a long one. 

I feel so far from any recovery that I wonder what will happen to me.

On good days, I believe God does have some sort of plan, in so many ways I feel it's unfair He has given me the eating disorder and the depression and I must overcome both. I wonder how I will manage this, I feel so far from overcoming anything right now. 

On bad days, I have no idea what I believe or what I think.

I have now started a new antidepressant, as citalopram didn't benefit me.

As with many medications, the first few weeks are full of feeling nauseous and dizzy. 

Days are long, empty and exhausting, and I struggle to see when this will end. 

Days are dark, full of intricate calorie counting and punishing my body for being so disgusting.

When it's so dark, it's so difficult to see any way out, and so I sit and wonder what will become of me? Will this be my life forever more? I pray that this is not how it will always be.

'If you're going through hell, keep going' - Winston Churchill

A waiting game

Anyone who has ever needed any treatment, mental or physical, knows that it can be a long waiting game. Full of referral forms, blood tests, weigh ins, ECGs, more blood tests and phone calls. It can be so tedious and tiring.

I work for the NHS and I see, from inside, the impact of the shortage of beds, teams, clinicians and resources, so in no way do I want to criticise anyone. I know all too well the strain the NHS is under. But waiting weeks to hear results and treatment plans is horrible and exhausting. 

I am due to see my GP tomorrow, to discuss more options including private healthcare. I appreciate that I am in the fortunate position of being able to access private treatments. I know not everyone is in that position. 

My family really have been incredible through this time and my mother is hands down the most wonderful person I know. She gives me more love and support than I could ever ask for and I will be eternally grateful.

I also want to thank everyone who has read this blog, messaged me and shown their support. 

Every single day, but especially on the dark days, it really does lift me so much to hear kind words from people. 

So much love to you all x

Thoughts on depression

Trigger warning post mentioning self harm. 

I have been studying a nursing degree for nearly two years, and worked in mental health wards and units for the last five years. However it is only since I became unwell myself that I can truly comprehend depression in all it's unorthodox, bastard glory. 

Before I became unwell, I felt I had a good understanding of most mental health problems, I knew what the signs and symptoms were, what common triggers were and what medications and therapies were often prescribed. 

I have been proud of myself for often being a staff member that patients would like to be around, or a staff member that would get an individual thank you when someone was discharged. I have always bonded well with patients and I put this down to my approach being based on the fact I can understand a lot of what they feel, in one way or another. 

But like I said before, I have always been successful in my working environments, however it is only now I can really understand the trials and tribulations of depression. 

If you have depression, or someone you know has depression, I think it's so important to remember that every single day is different.

Some days I get up and brush my teeth, make a coffee and watch television in my duvet on the sofa. I feel low in mood but I will have times during the day where I can feel slightly lifted and more content. I would say these days are 4/10 days. 

Other days I can do all of the above and also go to Sainsbury's for milk and bits and pieces. Again I will usually still feel low in mood but I will be happy I have left the flat and got things done. These days are a 5/10.

Some days I physically feel like I cannot move from my bed, like an actual weight is holding me down. Crushing me. These days I dread and fear hugely. These days the thought of going to brush my teeth feels like it requires so much energy that I do not have. On these days I hibernate beneath a duvet either in bed or on my sofa and I cannot do anything. The television may be turned on but I cannot focus on what is on the screen. I can't eat or concentrate on anything. My depression has brought with it urges to self harm. On days like these, I feel the urge but the effort it would take is almost too much. These days I would say are 2/10. 

I would not rate them lower than a 2, as I fear days could definitely get worse. I hope they do not.

Depression is all-consuming, controlling and dictating. It clouds every moment of every day and ensures it's presence is known. It tugs, pushes, pulls you down, side ways, any way except up.

The medication I am prescribed is now at the maximum dose, with unfortunately no effect.

I am hopeful the doctor will soon change and prescribe me a different type of anti depressant.

For now all I can tell myself is whatever will be will be and it is in Gods hands to ensure I am on the right path.

An update

My life has been taken out of my control, out of my hands and this demon of an eating disorder mixed with depression is controlling me. 

Every time I feel as if I have taken a step forwards, this disorder pushes me three steps backwards. 

Recently, I wrote about seeing the doctor and starting treatment. I am still receiving treatment but my condition has worsened since I first went to the GP. The depression, along with feelings of self harm and suicide has mounted up on me and my eating habits are far from in my control.

I have had to take a year interrupt from my university course, to give myself the time to get better before I return to finish my third year. I'm completely gutted that this is what I have to do, although I see the positives of taking a year out.

My motivation, attention span and energy are all so lacking. 

I have a lot more time on my hands now I am having out of university, I find myself spending a lot of time sat in my garden thinking about what life will be when I beat this illness. 

I long to feel control over my life and over my body. I long for the day I can eat what I want, when I want, without feeling compelled to meticulously weigh myself and take tablets. I long for the depression to lessen, for the darkness, that feels so real and literal, to fade away. 

I hope this is the start of the right path. 

You do deserve help

As it is mental health awareness week, I thought I would do a post because I feel there is still so much awareness that needs to be raised. I fear that so many people live in shame or denial about their mental health and it shouldn't be that way, we have to strive for a society that is more understanding and accepting. 

I never wanted to go to the doctor about my eating problems, or the depression the eating problems brought with them. 

I felt that talking therapies weren't my thing and I didn't want medication. I thought I could fight through it alone, find my own coping mechanisms, and just manage somehow. For a long time this just about worked. 

I didn't feel as if I deserved help, I didn't think I was 'sick enough' because I've never been an inpatient, never been tube fed, I just didn't think I deserved any help. I felt like I exaggerated everything, I just did not feel like I deserved any help because I did not feel like I was truly unwell. I came to accept that this was how my life was always going to be.

However recently, after feeling worse and worse over the last few months, I decided maybe it was time to try speaking to my GP.

I didn't hold massively high hopes, I didn't know whether he would understand or how he would react, whether he'd take me seriously when I spoke about how dark and low I felt battling this.

However I was so, so pleasantly surprised. He was lovely and kind about it all, and I asked if I could have some medication to help me just take the edge of the mental pain I felt and he agreed this would be a very good idea. He also referred me onto other specialist eating disorder teams. This was something that lifted a huge weight off my shoulders because I finally felt like someone understood how I felt and after struggling for so long I am now hopeful that help is coming my way. 

I don't know if this medication will help in any way, but I'm hopeful it will ease even a little of how I feel.

I didn't think I really deserved help until recently, I didn't think I was 'ill enough', but now I think actually I was wrong and I was denying myself the help I do deserve.

Never feel you do not deserve help, and if you want help then please look for it. Whatever problems or struggles you face, you deserve help. Encourage your friends/family to seek help if they need it. Everyone deserves help. 

The daily struggle

I am struggling. I think this is something that is often hard for people to admit, something people don't want to say out loud. 

Six months ago I would have said I was making some progress with my eating disorder, but within the last two or three months I feel as if I have taken several steps backwards, and actually things are much worse than they have been for a long time. I feel more depressed, more broken and beaten by this than ever before. 

It is a constant fight. A constant struggle, and it is so hard. 

It is hard to carry on, to wake up each day, get out of bed each day, go to work, and to do the things I have to do. 

In the last few months I have found myself looking more and more for a way to end the pain and torment I feel, or at least numb it for a while. 

I do not feel very strong anymore. 

I do not feel like I will overcome this eating disorder, I feel as if my life is one big battle and I am losing every single day.

Please, if you know someone who struggles with anything like this, reach out and show them some love, I'm sure they'll be grateful. 

'Thin privilege'

Recently I have seen a whole bunch of tweets and social media posts, about 'thin privilege'.
Posts saying things such as 'thin privilege is being able to go to the doctors with back pain and not being told to lose weight', 'thin privilege is being able to speak to a GP about anxiety and them not suggesting losing weight'.
This makes me angry on so many levels.
Firstly, it is doctors duty to raise public health awareness around weight issues. 
What is there to say that if a thin person went to the GP about something physical that the doctor wouldn't suggest they put on weight?
People presume doctors don't do this, but they do.
I have seen my asthma nurse several times in the past for check ups and she has suggested I put on weight.
I don't think people mean to be cruel when they post things like that on social media, but it is cruel. How can anyone say people who are thin are privileged, when nobody knows how awful their life might be. Nobody knows the battle they might be facing every single day, the battle that revolves around their weight and their image.
I know it can be argued that larger people who receive these comments, from doctors and the like, are being discriminated against for their size. I am by no means someone who thinks 'fat discrimination' is okay, it is not on any level. But the way to combat 'fat discrimination' is not to call thin people privileged.
To state that thin people are privileged to be thin, insinuates that larger people are not privileged.
It's ridiculous, there is no such thing as 'thin privilege', just as there is no such thing as 'overweight privilege'. We are all privileged to be on this earth, no matter what we look like. 

The big 2 5

I turn twenty five tomorrow. It's a scary thought. I know I'm still young, but there are a lot of things I expected to be different by the time I turned twenty five.
There are things that I didn't expect that are actually positive things; when I was eighteen and thought about being twenty five, I would have expected to have my career path sorted. Although I am on the path to my career, I didn't expect to be a student again studying for a second degree. But this is a positive thing and in this aspect I am pleased that my life didn't pan out quite as I thought.
One thing I didn't expect was to still be battling an eating disorder.
When I was eighteen I thought I would have it under control by the time I was twenty one. When I was twenty one, I thought it would be sorted by the time I turned twenty five.
Now here I am.

People underestimate the power of eating disorders

I can vividly remember when I was plummeting downwards into some of the worst times with my eating disorder, I was in my bed room at university and my stomach rumbled. I had the usual fight in my mind about whether to eat or not, and then I remember hearing a voice in my mind telling me I couldn't eat. I don't believe I ever really heard voices in the way some people do, but I imagined this voice and for months and months it popped up, from my imagination, every time I felt hungry. It grew and became more regular, and then I would be congratulated when the numbers on the scales went down. Maybe my imagination was too vivid. Maybe it was my subconscious. It never really bothered me what it was that I heard and felt, it just became the norm.
Eventually I told myself it was all my imagination and proved myself right as I stopped imagining hearing anything.

I think people brush eating disorders under the carpet, especially if someone isn't very, very thin, like me. But this isn't fair. Eating disorders destroy lives, control lives, manipulate lives. My whole life, my every move, revolves around eating. The torment is constant.
People should not underestimate or ignore the realness of eating disorders, whether the signs are visible or not.

'A certain darkness is needed to see the stars' - Osho, The Book of Secrets.

Can 1000 nice comments ever erase 1 cruel comment?

It's happened to me, to all of us I'm sure at some point. People say things, flippant comments like 'oh you're eating again?' and try to make a joke of it. Or 'why don't you eat? Scared you're fat?'

What makes people think things like that are okay to say? 

It happens too often to me and to someone very close to my heart and I hate the pain I see it causes.

I wish people would think, just think before they speak.

Everyone has their own battles that we don't know about, so everyone should just be kind. 

Just be kind. 

Something to loosen the grip

I want more than anything to find a way, a 'cure', a solution to feeling like this. I know without a doubt there must be thousands upon thousands of people in the world who feel something along the lines of what I feel.
I want to find a solution but I can't, maybe because eating disorders are so, so personal, no two peoples issues are the same. So you could ask, how do you get better unless you happen to find what works for you, what helps you?

I am a Christian, and I talk to God most days when I'm driving to university or work, I chat to him about life, ask him to look after the people I love.
I ask him to loosen the grip that food and weight have over me. I ask for a break, just a single day where I do not have to base my life around the numbers on a weighing scale.
This day is yet to come, and I guess that's the way it's meant to be for now.

'A wound is the place where the light enters you' - Rumi